Joyce

you were a vision when i saw you for the first time
. and you kept being a vision everyday
. from the start, you showed me your heart, and i loved it
. there is no one else with your sweetness, your caring, your love
. pushing you away is my most thoroughly heartbreaking and stupid mistake

i love that thing you do with your eyes
. you get anything out of me when you move your eyelids like that
. yes, i remember those, almost always before i start crying

i am older now, remorseful
. i went crazy in the head back then and did not know it
. now, after therapy and medication, i know
. i really know, and it makes me mad

if i could take what i know to the me who won your heart, things would be so very different
. that me would be a better boyfriend; i was not terrible but could have used much improvement; you know what i am talking about
. that me would tell your uncle to go fuck himself
. that me would have believed in the power of our love to overcome any obstacle

you would not believe what i have done with my life
. you would not believe what my smarts and my hardheadedness have put me through
. if there is a hell, i am wallowing in it
. if there is not a hell, my terrible decisionmaking has done wonders to simulate one with all the hellish features that make hell hell
. i live alone, in a sucky place, wishing everyday that this was a very bad dream, you know, like in the movies; i wake up and you are there next to me
. but i wake up every day dejected and disappointed, one day closer to relief

i snore
. i know now that i snore like…
. i snore loudly
. you should have told me

i hope that your path has been a lot more fulfilling and happy than mine
. i know that you are a wonderful mom, and that your kids love you to pieces, as i do now after all these years

did you stay?
. did you move somewhere exiting?
. i do not know
. i will never know, a hell feature

wherever you are, my sweet, i wish you all the love that you can handle, and the immense happiness that you deserve

your idiot ex